Tuesday 8 May 2018

This Overwhelming Loneliness

Lately, I've been feeling extremely lonely. I think it's to do with my pregnancy hormones as I've always been 'alone'.

When you're pregnant, you feel generally very happy and accomplished. You want everyone you tell to be happy for you too, especially those you hold close to your heart. You secretly hope gifts will come rolling in for your new baby out of love and consideration of others.

The reality is, however, nobody actually cares that you are having a child; especially another child. A third baby? Are you sure? Will you keep it? All questions that I had not heard with my first two pregnancies.

When you decide to have a third child, it's like as though you've broken some sort of unwritten ladies code. Do you really want to be outnumbered by your children? How will you cope? And what about finances? How dare you be bold enough to have another human?!

Combine this with the fact that I am 'young' by society's standards to have any children at all, and that my peers have not had the privilege to experience childbirth and you result with a very isolating situation. Some are not mean spirited but simply can't relate. Others are jealous of their ever ticking biological clock. Having children symbolises strength for most women, consciously or otherwise.

My sister-in-law purposefully refuses to ask me how I am. Almost all of the few people I converse with on a regular basis have cut off all communication with me.

Strangers back off when they hear that this is my third pregnancy. They don't know how to react. To be honest, even I don't know quite know how to embrace the fact that I will soon be a mummy to three little people.

Usually, I'm quite alright with being alone, but pregnancy makes me different. It makes me crave attention and care, at least from the few people I talk to. Forget the 'gifts', I'll be happy with a simple 'how are you?', if you can afford it.


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