HAVING TO SETTLE

I've spent the last 7 years moving. Moving house, moving countries, you name it. I'm 7 years older and I'm positively tired of it all. 

Not only tired, but being older and hopefully more wiser I believe I'm more confident. 

It feels unusual to be settled but I have made peace with it. By moving constantly I think I may have been searching for something to make me feel at peace where it didn't exist.

Life is what you make it after all.

FOR BETTER AND FOR WORSE

Here I am again, months and months since my last blog post. To be honest, I am ashamed I've abandoned this blog for so long. My intention was to write once a week, or at least once a month.

Of course I had my baby girl etc etc. You don't want to read about that. At least, I don't want to write about it. Giving birth is too usual for me by now.

What's more important for mum, me, the human is that I can come to terms with my past, particularly the dysfunctional relations I have with my own mother.

I have made an astounding discovery, so simple that I am relieved I can use only one word to describe my dilemma: NARCISSIST. My mother is a narcissist. There. I said it. And I shall say it to anyone who questions why I am not in contact with her.

It explains absolutely everything that is wrong. I am so relieved to finally know what the "problem" is called.

I am no nearer to forgiveness however and my personal journey will be a long and hard one, perhaps with no happy ending.

Never the less, I will be reading "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride in the meanwhile.

Signing off.

Sena.

This Overwhelming Loneliness

Lately, I've been feeling extremely lonely. I think it's to do with my pregnancy hormones as I've always been 'alone'.

When you're pregnant, you feel generally very happy and accomplished. You want everyone you tell to be happy for you too, especially those you hold close to your heart. You secretly hope gifts will come rolling in for your new baby out of love and consideration of others.

The reality is, however, nobody actually cares that you are having a child; especially another child. A third baby? Are you sure? Will you keep it? All questions that I had not heard with my first two pregnancies.

When you decide to have a third child, it's like as though you've broken some sort of unwritten ladies code. Do you really want to be outnumbered by your children? How will you cope? And what about finances? How dare you be bold enough to have another human?!

Combine this with the fact that I am 'young' by society's standards to have any children at all, and that my peers have not had the privilege to experience childbirth and you result with a very isolating situation. Some are not mean spirited but simply can't relate. Others are jealous of their ever ticking biological clock. Having children symbolises strength for most women, consciously or otherwise.

My sister-in-law purposefully refuses to ask me how I am. Almost all of the few people I converse with on a regular basis have cut off all communication with me.

Strangers back off when they hear that this is my third pregnancy. They don't know how to react. To be honest, even I don't know quite know how to embrace the fact that I will soon be a mummy to three little people.

Usually, I'm quite alright with being alone, but pregnancy makes me different. It makes me crave attention and care, at least from the few people I talk to. Forget the 'gifts', I'll be happy with a simple 'how are you?', if you can afford it.